Deja Entendu.

I lay awake
These thoughts haunt these hallowed walls of my mind
They hover over me
Like darkened clouds 
Ready for the storm
The drops bounce off my face
One by one
While the thunder
Echos in the distance
Will it rain forever
Your voice reverberates
In the still air
My only light
My deepest love
I grab your hands and kiss you
If this moment could last
I would be happy
But I open my eyes and you’re not there
You’re a shadow on the gravel driveway
Some turned stones
And kicked up dust
I can’t live like this
Come back to me
Come back.

The sun is coming through the blinds. It rips apart the curtains, they have no use it seems. Illuminates the every hair on your head, highlights the softness of your face. You smile. You’re half asleep. I wrap my arms tighter around you and you mention how you wish you could stay like this forever. I exhale slowly, my stress melts into the mattress as the sun burns brighter. I’m cracking. The face I wear so proudly weighs like a burden on my shoulders. I prepared for this but not well enough. I never meant to care for you, this was just a little game. Now I’m stuck at square one wondering if we’ll play again.

Days pass. Sleepless nights drag on. Empty bottles become more sacred, we have little need for them now. Once a hushed secret now splayed open for the world to see but what of the man? He’s still coming around and sleeping in the same sheets as I am and I can’t help but feel more hollow, more alone, more used. Is it me? Is it my fault? You love him but you’ve never said anything of the like to me.

I’m done playing your silly games. I am weary of losing.

Death comes at strange times. 

It comes unexpectedly; it comes right when you have the feeling it’ll happen. It leaves no notes, no traces of what resiliency there may have been in that shell of a former person. It speaks not, for it is a silent wave lapping up the shoreline. It is merely a flicker of flame in the darkness, one small breath can cause the room to shake. One light breeze can dim the beacon in the still. 

You try to prepare for these things. You put them out of sight, out of mind. Does it help?

It doesn’t.

And the truth is, none of them knew my name even when I said my last goodbyes. I wonder if that meant anything at all.

If I gather all the things you love, and bring them to my room, will you stay?

If I stay up all night, listen to you dream, and fight off all the demons, will you wake?

If I lie in bed awake at night, praying for you to be happy, will you ever be?

If I pretend like nothing happened and started this all again, would you truly LOVE me?

Means no matter what becomes of certain events, that you can realize and recognize they make you and shape who you are today.

Whether or not the action was intentionally a negative one or a positive one that turned into a mistake, no matter the duration, it should not be regretted. It can be mourned, thought over, and determined that yes there could have been a different course of action…but the point is, there wasn’t. It’s okay.

Once you love someone, you don’t ever stop loving them. Things change and feelings may fluctuate, but if you truly love them, it won’t just quit. It doesn’t work that way.

I am terribly sorry for the way these events turned out, and I wish that they never happened. My words mean nothing to you now, but I want everyone, yourself included, to understand that I can recognize the devastation caused by all of these mistakes.

I want you to know that no matter what I said or anyone else says, you are worth it, and you will go far if you allow yourself that room to grow. I know I’m young and so are all of my peers; sometimes we choose the wrong path temporarily.. but who really knows where they are going to be in ten years? Who knows what they want in their future? Life is unexpected. The only thing you can learn to do is to expect the unexpected. I will grow, and change, and hopefully both for the better. I will never forget, and I will never regret.

Love always,
That girl from Biology II class. To infinity..and beyond.

There’s a piece of me left somewhere along with great expectations.

I don’t know where this year went, where these days have gone. I feel almost as if I’ve been drug through these last few weeks with the wool over my eyes and my ears plugged; all of my senses dulled and rendered obsolete. Am I not living like everyone else? Am I not existing, like every thing under the sun?

It seems yesterday I was starting my first semester of high school, scared of how many people there were (a whopping 400 something) and not being able to find my classes…now I’m in my last week of my first semester at a school with more than 40,000 students and I’m FOUR years older.

Its crazy to me how fast things come and go. One minute you’re cheering for your friend running a race, the next day they’re diagnosed with cancer. In one instance you’re talking about the Beatles to a classmate and the next you’re attending his funeral. These people…all of my friends, all of my family, they weren’t ready to go. They shouldn’t have been. But either way it happened. Either way, they’re gone now. The real moral here is you have to cherish everything. Cherish every moment you’re alive. Every breath you can breathe and every blink. Every time you can hold that lover’s hand and know you’re safe with them..

Because one day that might end… and there won’t be anything you can do about it.

That’s not to say you can’t change the future—you can—it just might not all play out the right way to begin with. You can spend right now, today, lamenting about the things you used to have or the people you used to need…or you can spend these limited episodes of life being thankful and thanking the Lord (or whomever you believe in) for what you have. The privileges you have been granted, the abilities bestowed upon you.

Love who you are and where you are in life. If for some reason, any reason, you aren’t happy, change it. Do something spontaneous. You have ONE SHOT. One life. Make every day worth writing down, worth talking about. Be positive. Keep your head up high and your hopes higher. Things will always get better.

You just gotta believe.

Life has this funny way of taking everything you know and ripping it apart at the very seams. Of making you lean towards one way, then pulling a full 180. When everything seems lost and the end seems nigh..there’s a glimpse of hope. A ray of light.

You see, in the recounts of life and death and the breadth between, there isn’t a smooth ride. There isn’t a cut path sans detours. There’s the same old pattern for everyone, but where it goes is always a mystery. One minute you’re told, “Three to seven days, at best.” then the next moment, the machines are taken away, the beeping stops, and you’re left with a shell of what a man once was. He’s alive, but it’s a struggle. It’s a constant fight, and truthfully, it’s probably not in his game plan to lay there for the rest of his natural born life. But who are you to tell him what to do? He can’t talk and you aren’t in position to ultimately decide what comes of him..

So, you wait. You sit there and you listen to the uneven breaths, you watch as the purple bruises become black and spread across the weathered skin. Memories become clearer as the life seems to leap from this man you’ve known your entire life. Before you were alive..he knew you.

Everything ends, everyone dies.

All of these things are brought about by change. Whether the winds bring good or bad changes, that is entirely up to the universe.. and what the universe decides, is how you will continue living.

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